How to Envision and Live a Happier Life After Divorce for Women
Understanding the Feeling of Failure and Becoming an Independent Women After Divorce
Part of life is making poor choices and failing. Failure teaches us lessons about what we shouldn’t do or accept in our lives. That’s when we have the choice to change or continue the insanity cycle. The insanity cycle is making the same choice over and over thinking there will be a different result, but the result is usually the same. Sometimes it takes years to learn new lessons and stop the cycle, but it’s never too late.
My first marriage lasted only a year and three months. I was young and only got married because my friends at the time were on that path. I guess I didn’t want to be alone. I knew I shouldn’t have married him. I wasn’t physically attracted to him, and he wasn’t motivated in a career path. But he was nice, and we had fun partying together. I realized on my honeymoon the marriage was not going to work. We were in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico the day after our wedding and had planned many activities together, such as swimming with dolphins, climbing a pyramid, and snorkeling. I am an adventurer, so I was looking forward to our plans. It was our first time traveling together, and it was there I realized how much we didn’t have in common. I had to swim with dolphins and snorkel by myself because he couldn’t swim. I climbed a pyramid by myself because he was afraid of heights. He lacked the masculine energy that I desired. So, after a year and three months, I gained the strength to ask for a divorce. I cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I broke his heart terribly. I felt bad, but also knew I wouldn’t be living for myself and my happiness if I stayed.
My single life was very short-lived after that. I was dating three different men at the same time and fell for the one I wanted to help change. Bad idea, remember you can’t change other people; they must want to change on their own. I was remarried almost three years later. He made changes for me that led to many resentments. I made decisions for him that led me to resent him. There was a lot of anger and mistrust in our relationship that lasted almost nineteen years. I lost myself completely in this relationship trying to help him. I made poor decisions because of my unhappiness. We drew further apart as the years went on. He tried controlling me in different ways and didn’t allow me to live the life that would make me feel happy. It was always a battle between us. I finally asked for a divorce, it was the hardest decision I have made in my life.
While enduring that marriage, I continued to envision the life I wanted to lead. I put into the universe what I wanted my life to look like, to travel and see the world. I wanted to make decisions for myself and my happiness. My goal was to wake up free of anxiety wondering what mood my significant other would be in. I overcame the many fears I had about being a woman and depending on either my parents or a man to take care of me. It took courage, strength, friends, and planning to change my life.
Here are some tips on how to become a strong and independent woman after divorce:
1. Love yourself and know your worth.
If you endured an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, it will take time to build your confidence back. Be proactive daily to stay upbeat:
Surround yourself with positive affirmations and motivational quotes to help increase confidence and motivation. Hang up post-it notes and save memes on your phone as a daily reminder.
If you catch yourself getting down, immediately switch your thinking to only positive thoughts. What you put out in the universe will come back to you.
Create an empowering playlist of music to uplift your spirits.
Laughter is the best medicine; watch funny animal videos or comedians to distract you.
Look in the mirror and only allow positive messages to tell yourself. Even if you don’t believe it at the moment, the more you do this, the more you will see yourself as beautiful and confident. Look in that mirror and say, “I’ve got this, I am badass.”
2. Journal about the pros and cons of your marriage and ask yourself if you think the marriage could be saved.
Counseling is always an option if both parties are willing to put in the work. The more you lean towards ending the marriage, you will question the decision repeatedly. You will hear varying opinions from everyone around you. Ultimately, you decide to make it. If the negatives outweigh the positives and you are feeling beat down, it’s time to make a change in your life.
3. Journal about your goals after divorce and how you will achieve them.
The biggest fear for most women leaving a marriage is being able to take care of themselves. This takes pre-planning and saving money on the side during the decision-making process and transition.
Set goals in your career that will help you to succeed.
Take an extra job on the side to save money.
Cut back on spending in areas that are unnecessary to ensure your success.
Talk to different people about your goals, you never know when someone will offer help. I don’t care how much you hate asking for help, accept it on this journey. You can always give back when you are in a better position.
4. Lean on friends and family during the transition.
The universe will give you what you need when you make a positive change. It helps to talk to friends and family who are supportive of your decision. Steer clear of negative nannies who try to make you feel bad. Nobody has lived your life or understands what you went through. People will show up in ways that are so amazing. If you don’t have furniture, someone may offer you a couch when you move. If finding a place to escape to seems impossible, a family member or friend could offer you a short-term solution to help get you out of your environment until you get on your feet. It will be tough, but not impossible.
5. Find yourself during this time and try new things to meet people and occupy your time.
Take a craft or art class.
Try a new haircut that makes you feel refreshed for your new life.
Go shopping and buy clothes and shoes that take you out of your comfort zone making you feel sexy and confident.
Take a dance class and go out dancing with your friends.
Join a gym and take exercise classes.
Start an outdoor activity that meets as a group whether walking, running, kayaking, paddleboarding, tennis, pickleball, etc.
6. Don’t look back, grow forward.
Stop living in the past or depression will set in. The thought will cross your mind that maybe things will change if you give them space, but that is very rarely the case. “There’s no reason to look back when there’s so much to look forward to.”
7. Grieving after a divorce is a process.
Some people grieve during their marriage because it’s so miserable that when it ends, they can move forward very quickly. Others process it very differently and the grieving process may last longer. Take your time to heal and take care of yourself. The goal after divorce is to find and love yourself, again.
8. Set boundaries for future relationships and know how you want to be treated.
It takes two to tango. Be honest about where you went wrong in past relationships. Set boundaries and stick to them, they are what make or break a relationship. Resentments will set in if you don’t stand your ground. Relate your past traumas to how you have navigated your choices in partners. Work towards healing past traumas to teach you how to be in healthy relationships. Don’t carry the baggage of the past into new relationships.
There is no better feeling as a woman than being able to take care of yourself. It is not worth enduring a marriage of emotional or physical abuse. The confidence you will build after making a choice to leave is unimaginable. Leading the life you always dreamed of is within your reach. You have the power within you to make the change, and the universe will always place people in your life that will help with your transition. Let go of the fear, plan, and then make it happen. I promise you won’t regret it.
